Sam

I work as a waiter, I live with my dad,

I live in nowhere Massachusetts.

01 Town Without Pity

‘Time is Working Against Me’

Sam is living at his dad’s place and working at a restaurant down the road. It was supposed to be a brief stint while he figured out his next move. But it has been nearly two years now and he is no closer to his goals. His worst fear is that it may be too late to ever catch up.

Hello, this is Sam Mackin. We are in the living room of my parents’ house, a normal middle-class house in beautiful Lunenburg. I’ve lived here for a little over a year and a half. It’s a small rural community that’s slowly running out of money. We lose power once a week - I make the joke that we live in New Delhi, that’s about how reliable our power supply is.

I mean, it’s a beautiful area. It’s very picturesque. It’s not that far from the White Mountains and Monadnock. But, for me, it’s rough just because it’s middle of nowhere. Not a lot of young folks. I’m in my late twenties, the majority of the town is older - much older - sixty, sixty five, and older. I don't know. It’s strange for me.

Sam's tattoo. "It’s called a Metatron’s cube. It’s a combination of all the platonic solids."

I’m here with my father, Michael Mackin.

Sam: I just wanted to start by asking you, how do you feel about me living here?

Dad: I was very happy to have you come up and live with me and spend time with you. I love having you here, I love you being around here.

Sam: What's the other half of that?

Dad: Well the other half of that is, you know, really wanting to see you move on and into your own life. And I am hoping that is something that can happen soon.

My parents - I mean, they haven’t said this to me specifically - but I know that they don’t really want me here, and I don’t really want to be here either. So that’s basically the middle ground we’ve found, you know? Like, nobody knows what else to do.

50%

earned less than $25,000 in their first job

Sam: What do you think about my work situation?

Dad: I’m glad that you got the job immediately when you got up here. I’m very proud that you’ve kept a job, which, it wasn’t a career, it wasn't something to feed your soul, but you did it because you needed to take care of that other business.

So, I graduated SUNY Oswego in May of 2009. I was living with my mom in Sloatsburg, New York, and basically spent a summer lightly searching for jobs, but when the fall hit it was like, all right, I really need to find work. And then that turned into basically a year, year and a half, of me working everything, doing whatever.

I had student loans to pay off and just daily monetary stuff that I couldn’t handle because I didn’t have any money. There was one point where I was working two or three part-time jobs, every day was like a different job, mostly restaurant jobs, and it was just bad. I ended up broke and living on my buddy’s couch. It got to a point where I was sinking rather than swimming, so I came up here to straighten everything out.

Sam: What did you imagine I’d be doing with my life right now?

Dad: Well, I had always thought because of your interest in journalism, and particularly your work on the public radio affiliate up at college, that would be a direction that you would want to head for. And, you know, I think that would be great, if that was something that was possible.

My whole thing when I was graduating was I really wanted to become a foreign correspondent. I wanted to travel around and report on happenings throughout the world. But I honestly don’t think that’s ever going to happen. It's too far gone.

At this point I’m just scrambling just to … I mean, I was thinking about the jobs that I’ve interviewed for. I interviewed at a child modeling firm, and that was like, whatever, it’s money, it’s a salary, it’s something, it’s better than nothing. I’ll take whatever.

I don't like my job, I don't like living at home, I don't like really anything about my situation at all.

Dad: When I came out of college, if you had a college degree, you could find a job. It might not be what you had gone for, but you’d find a job that would pay the bills. Now, we've got some of the best-educated waiters and bartenders and mall workers in the United States. It's been a very different experience.

Sam: Half the people I know have master's degrees and work two part-time jobs.

Dad: Right.

Sam: Do you think the difference between my generation and your generation is that we had these large expectations? Like, there was almost a sense of entitlement that we expected to have that stuff, or do you think it was just an economic thing?

Dad: I think it's both. Because this was the expectation that we had given you, which was: Go to college, get your college degree, that's the key to the next thing.

So, yes, in part, it was our expectations and, certainly, the expectations that the era that you grew up in was really one of the most affluent, growing times. The expectation was it never going to stop. The world was good and it was just getting better. And then the economic crisis happened and, you know, the world changed.

The thing that it made me more aware of, when I was talking to my dad, is that he's actually kind of lamenting our generation. I think he gets it. He gets that this was something that was completely out of our hands and that we're all trying to get out of it. We're all working pretty hard. And that makes me happy, to know that he's not angry.

Sam at work, at the Bull Run Restaurant in Shirley, Massachusetts.

I work at the Bull Run Restaurant. It’s an 18th-century inn. I literally got the job the day I came up. I was so broke my dad had to Western Union me money for a bus ticket and I took a bus from 33rd and Manhattan to South Station. I showed up and applied for the job and they said, "Show up on Wednesday and we’ll try you out." And, you know, apparently the irony is that I’m not a bad worker, so they haven’t gotten rid of me yet.

29%

are embarrassed by their work situation

I do not want to be waiting tables. I don't want to be here. I don't like my job, I don't like living at home, I don't like really anything about my situation at all. And the larger question is: "Well, how did you get here?" And, I don't know. I don't know. You know, I don't want to blame me, but I know that I have to take responsibility. Definitely I choose to be here, in some respect, but it's starting to drive me crazy. I was going to come up here, I was going to live for a year, I was going to find a job, and I was going to move out. And I just haven't found a job.

That's one of the things that terrifies me on a daily basis. That the longer and longer and longer I'm not in a career-oriented field and I'm not doing that work and I'm not establishing myself or building my resume, that time is working against me. And the longer it gets, the harder and harder it's going to be. I just want out of here.

Keep Reading
Sam works as a server at The Bull Run

Meet Sam

At 27 years old, it's beginning to feel like options are running out.

The kitchen at house Sam shares with his father

Living at Home

What was supposed to be a short stay has gone on longer than planned.

Video

Meet Sam

Video

Living at Home

Audio

A Talk with Dad

Sam: This is Sam Mackin and I’m here with my father, Michael Mackin. Do I have your permission to record?

Dad: Yes, you do.

Sam: Okay. I just wanted to start by asking you, how do you feel about me living here?

Dad: I was very happy to have you come up and live with me and spend time with you. I’d be happy if you were able to find the next thing in your life and move on. I love having you here, I love you being around here, I enjoy your company.

Sam: What’s the other half of that?

Dad: Well the other half of that is really wanting to see you move on and into your own life. And, you know, I’m hoping that is something that can happen — soon.

Sam: What do you think my next step should be?

Dad: It’s hard for me to tell you what that should be. I mean, we’ve talked about options before. We’ve talked about whether graduate school is something you might be interested in, we’ve talked about alternate careers. But, in terms of you finding what that next thing is, I think you’re just going to have to keep looking and finding. And it might not be the first one around is going to be the thing. It might be, you know, the next job or the next job or the next job. But my hope is that’s the direction that you’re going to take.

Sam: What do you think about my work situation?

Dad: Well, again, I’m glad that you have — you got the job immediately when you got up here. You’ve been paying your own way in terms of your stuff, you know, your car insurance, your health insurance. You know, once we got you settled and, you know, all of your finances in shape, you’ve never been somebody that you’ve looked to us for financial support. And that I am very proud of you of.

I’m very proud that you’ve kept a job which is, you know, it was a job. It wasn’t a career, it wasn’t something to feed your soul, but you did it because you needed to take care of that other business, and I’m proud of that.

Sam: What did you imagine I’d be doing with my life right now?

Dad: Well, I’d always thought because of your interest in journalism, and particularly your work on the public radio affiliate up at college, that would be a direction that you’d want to head for. And you know, I think that would be great, if that was something that was possible.

Sam: When you look at my generation and the situation we’re in, how does it compare to your generation’s experience?

Dad: Oh, well, I mean, at your age I was married to your mother. I mean, it’s been a very different experience. We came out in a recession, but nothing like the recession that we’re experiencing right now. And nothing in the way of the way that the workforce has changed.

When I came out of college, if you had a college degree, you could find a job. It might not be, you know, what you had gone for, but you’d find a job that would pay the bills. I was living on my own, I was living in an apartment, I was paying my bills, I had a job, I found something that wound up being my career. And I have many friends that had that experience as well. The expectation was, as long as you got your foot in the door with a college degree, you could find your way.

Sam: What do you think is the main difference between, say, your generation and my generation at this point? The difference in the experience.

Dad: Well, in terms of the — in terms of the life path, it’s very different. Our life path, although we wanted it to be dissimilar from our parents, followed similar patterns. You know, we got married, we had kids, we got careers. I see less and less of that in your generation.

I see less and less of people coming out of college and immediately finding their niche in the world. I find fewer and fewer people immediately leaving school and immediately being on their own. The unemployment rate among college grads is better than those that just went to high school - it’s still pretty high in comparison - but what that doesn’t take into account is the underemployment rate. We’ve got some of the best-educated waiters and bartenders and mall workers in the United States. And that’s a big difference.

Sam: Like half the people I know have Master’s degrees and they work two part-time jobs.

Dad: Right.

Sam: Do you think that the difference between my generation and your generation is the fact that we had these large expectations? Like, there was almost this sense of entitlement, that we expected to have that stuff? Or do you think that it was just an economic thing?

Dad: I think it’s both.

Sam: Yeah.

Dad: Because this was the expectation that we had given you. Which was: Go to college, get your college degree, that’s the key to the next thing. And that was the expectation we laid on you.

So, yes, in part, it was our expectations, and certainly the expectations that the era that you grew up in was really one of the most affluent, growing times. The expectation was it was never going to stop — the world was good and it was just getting better. And so I think that your generation probably came away with some expectations that the party doesn’t end. And then again, the economic crisis happened and the world changed.

Sam: Thank you.

Dad: Thank you.

Close

It terrifies me on a daily basis.

The longer I’m not building my resume,

the harder it’s going to be.

02 Still Stuck

‘How Did I Get Here?’

Sam is feelingly increasingly down. Work at the restaurant is repetitive and he is tired of the stigma that comes with the job. A visit with old friends from New York is a reminder of the lifestyle that he had envisioned and, returning home, he wonders about the role he’s played in his circumstance.

Yesterday was a crazy day. I got up, talked to Drew, a good friend of mine from New York, and he apologized to me because he's in a band and for not contacting me to let me know that they were playing a show in Wellfleet. Drew's working as an attorney in Manhattan and on the weekends this is what they do, they have this amazing kind of funk jazz band.

27%

say the economy has had a negative impact on their view of their self

So, I drove up there, we hung out, we all had dinner and a few drinks, saw their set. There was a miscommunication on what was going to happen afterward, so I basically had to drive home from Wellfleet after the show, which got me home at about 4:30 in the morning. So I had a long way home and I wrestled with a lot of things on that drive. Hanging out with Drew, definitely it made me feel inferior, it made me feel very self conscious. And I don’t know why I’m so stuck.

"I don't want to be here anymore." Sam at work at the restaurant.

Which brings me to today. I woke up late because I was so exhausted from getting home at 4:30. I got up, went to work at the restaurant and basically sat around - I think I made about twenty dollars. They let me out early, so I drove around, picked up some dinner and some beers and came home. And watched Jeopardy.

I’m making myself miserable. I think that I might actually have depression. I wasn’t even home twenty-four hours and I was already absolutely miserable. I had to go and wait tables. I think that I’m depressed and that I’m self medicating with alcohol. And I don’t really know what to do about it. I don’t want to be here anymore.

I called my best friend Alex, who I was living with for awhile. He fled to San Francisco about a year ago and has been trying to find me jobs out there.

Sam: Do you think that’s the right move for me?

Alex: I noticed that I shared a lot of the same sentiments as you did, from talking to you the last time that you came out here. I felt similarly in New Mexico when I had just graduated — stagnant and like there wasn’t a lot of opportunity or options - you know, "here I am at the end of six years, two degrees, and I can’t get a job."

I don't know why I'm so stuck.

Sam: Yeah, you can’t even find a full-time gig. That terrifies me.

Alex: Exactly. San Francisco offered me a lot. You know, there is opportunity and there are options. In New Mexico, when I was looking for jobs, there would be like one job in journalism or there would be like four jobs in the service industry. When I’m out here and I look for jobs, I’ll find hundreds of openings in different areas.

The thing that I was thinking about all day at work, that was really just making me unhappy and driving me crazy, is that you can wait tables anywhere. I can do what I’m doing anywhere. Why do it here? And then the other thing is, well, I don’t want to do this at all. It’s almost literally everything that I was trying to avoid by going to school.

Alex: I feel like I'm in a good place for somebody who's trying to figure things out.

Sam: So do you feel like you're just working to live or working toward something?

Alex: At this point, because things have gotten a little rougher - I’m not working that full-time position that I was working at the beginning of the year, that’s over, I’m working a part-time position now at pretty much the lowest wage you could get, with two weeks left - I feel like I’m working hand to mouth. At the top of my to-do list, which just shot up to the top today, is to call unemployment.

Sam: I mean, just talking to you, the idea that you’re collecting unemployment still definitely makes me hesitant. And, you know, just the cost of living.

I could do it. It’s just, I’m scared to. Because I feel like if I do, then I’m running the risk of actually ending up worse off than I am. You know, the whole point of me moving up here was so I could grow and move forward and not take two steps back instead.

Alex: That’s really what I want the most, is for you to make a change that makes you feel positive, because then I feel like you will be in a better place in your life.

38%

say the economy has had a negative impact on their career

Because depression will kill you man.

Sam: Yeah, I know.

Alex: So, I just want you to feel good about yourself, and feel good about life, and feel good about the things that you’re doing. And that’s the biggest change that I feel like has occurred for me, moving out here.

Sam: Yeah.

A mural at the Bull Run Restaurant in Shirley, Massachusetts.

Today was rough because last night, inadvertently, I got into pretty much all the booze we had in the house. I was supposed to be up at 8 this morning - I was going to go work out, go to yoga, but by the time I got up, I pretty much just lazed around all day today waiting to go to work.

Today was kind of a throwaway. I didn’t really apply to any jobs, I did talk to some ladies on the internet, which was nice, and now I’m going to enjoy some dinner and some bad TV and pass out. I do really need to work out tomorrow. I’ve been putting it off for months and months, and I know it’ll make me feel better. I’ve just been so tired, I don’t know how much of it is psychosomatic and how much of it isn't.

I got a bunch of emails from Alex today, giving me San Francisco jobs, none of which look particularly appealing. One is a job as a warehouse manager. So, no real job prospects, I haven’t really heard back from anybody, no real dating prospects, because I haven’t really heard back from anybody. So, yeah, that's it. Still stuck.

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Sam uses online dating to meet people

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Audio

San Francisco

Sam: So, how you been buddy?

Alex: I’ve been okay, been pretty good. I’ve got a to-do list a mile long and the stress is mounting, but I feel good, you know? Been happy, been excited about life, so I think things are good.

Sam: Yeah. You still doing work with the conservancy?

Alex: I am. Not for much longer, however.

Sam: Why?

Alex: Well, I’m currently in a temporary position. They only had enough in their budget to offer me a temporary position up until November, so that is about to come to an end at the end of this month, so I’m still looking for full-time work — or at least more seasonal work, more part-time work, maybe multiple part-time jobs.

Sam: You want me to come out to Frisco. Do you think that’s the right move for me, and why?

Alex: So, I noticed that I shared a lot of the same sentiments as you did, just from talking to you, from the last time that you came out here. I felt like I felt similarly in New Mexico when I had just graduated — that I felt stagnant and like there wasn’t a lot of opportunity or options and that, you know, here I am at the end of six years, two degrees, and I can’t get a job.

Sam: Yeah, you can’t even find a full-time gig. Yeah, that terrifies me.

Alex: Exactly. So, I felt like when I got to move to San Francisco and I got the opportunity - luckily I moved with a job, knowing that I was going into a job - San Francisco just offered me a lot. There’s opportunity and there are options. And then also I felt like the fresh start - I’m in a good place for somebody who’s trying to figure things out and trying to do the hustle and bustle of getting into the professional world.

Sam: I mean, you’ve only been out there for a year but it sounds like you’ve really kind of hit the pavement looking for work. What has been your general experience looking for work?

Alex: In New Mexico, when I was looking for jobs, there would be like one job in journalism or there would be like four jobs in the service industry.

When I’m out here and I look for jobs, just within San Francisco, which mind you is only seven miles by seven miles wide, I’ll find hundreds of jobs, hundreds of openings in different areas. Out of those hundreds, I feel like twenty of them I would be qualified for and would actually probably want to do.

Sam: So do you feel like you’re just working to live or working toward something?

Alex: Ah, excellent. So I feel like, at this point, because things have gotten a little rougher, I’m not working that full-time position that I was working at the beginning of the year, that’s over, I’m working a part-time position now at, like, pretty much the lowest wage you could get.

Sam: Part-time, with two weeks left.

Alex: Yeah, part-time with two weeks left, exactly. I feel like I’m working hand to mouth, right? At the top of my to-do list, which just shot up to the top today, is to call unemployment and find out what happens in November when my claim is over. Are they going to be able to reissue my claim and am I no longer available to accept …

Sam: Oh, so not only is your part-time gig going to end, but you’re going to be literally like in a boat in the middle of the ocean.

Alex: Yeah, on my own, totally. No government help, no anything. Just my savings, just whatever I have in my savings, which I’ve already started to eat into, and what’s in my checking account. And after doing calculations, like, last night, I actually am already unable to keep up on my loan payments and my rent payments out here.

Sam: That’s terrifying.

Alex: It’s frightening. But I don’t feel like, if I was unemployed for a month, that I wouldn’t be able to find a job. I realize now that what I’m doing is I’m looking for kind of the top scale of my job qualifications — something that’s going to pay me at the level that I want and is going to be within the work range that I want to do. I don’t look for, you know, just standard entry-level service jobs. I feel like I could go down the street and get a job at the frame place around the corner from my house.

Sam: I mean, just talking to you, you know, just the idea that you’re collecting unemployment still definitely makes me hesitant. And, you know, just the cost of living.

Alex: Yeah, moving out here, I realize it’s not just as easy as, you know, being like, “Yeah, all right, I’ll go.” But I feel like there’s a lot of opportunity if you’re willing to kind of bust your ass for awhile until you find something that works.

And then those can be really, really beneficial sometimes, those experiences where you're just kind of working through and figuring it out, and then “boom,” something opens up, and suddenly you’re — you know, this is an amazing city, man, if you look at the list of businesses that are headquartered or started here, you’re like, “What? Oh my god, all these people, like, all these companies.”

Sam: And, I mean, I guess I could do it in Boston, but, I don’t know, I’m just angry.

Alex: Exactly. And that’s really what I want the most for you, is for you to make a change that makes you feel positive, because then I feel like you will be in a better place in your life. Because depression will kill you man.

Sam: Yeah, I know.

Alex: So, I just want you to feel good about yourself, and feel good about life, and feel good about the things that you’re doing. And that’s the biggest change that I feel like has occurred for me, moving out here.

Sam: Yeah.

Video

The Dating Game

Audio

One of those Nights

Good evening, this is Sam Mackin. This is Thursday, August 9th.

Today was a much better day than yesterday.

I got up, I didn’t work out, but I applied to two jobs, one of which is a product placement writer for a company based out of Framingham, is where the job was. I got a confirmation email, they said they’ll get back to me in two weeks and I also sent out my resume and a cover letter to a facility management position in San Francisco, which basically just sounds like maintaining a warehouse, but it’s money in the bank and it’s benefits and it’s in a beautiful, beautiful city, so there’s definite benefits to it.

I definitely made choices that brought me to here, but I feel like the choices that I made weren’t particularly bad choices. The thing that drives me crazy is, you know, all through elementary school they told me I wasn’t going to make it through middle school, and then all through middle school they told me I wasn’t going to make it through high school, and then when I got to high school they told me that I wasn't going to make it in college. And now I’ve graduated college and I’m not making it. Which is really frustrating.

But, like, today, the first people that I served tonight were this older couple. And right off the bat I could tell that this woman was just going to be rude, and she was. She was just unnecessarily rude. All night. It drives me up the wall, where people are just rude to you because there’s this sense of superiority. That sucks.

And then, you know, something like that happens at the beginning of the day, I mean that was my first table of the day and it’s like, all right, I want out of here. What did I do that makes these people think that I deserve to be treated that way? Like, you know, I’m a degenerate of some kind, who made all these really bad life choices and that’s how I got into my position. And I don’t think that’s the case. You know, I stayed in school, I did my work. I mean, I could have done better but I don’t think that the choices that I’ve made allow for people to treat me that way. I don’t know. I’m tired of putting up with that, I don’t want to do that anymore. I’m the worst waiter. I do not want to be waiting tables.

So, yeah, that was my day today — rude people, not enough money, still stuck. How come I haven’t earned anything, except ending up in a situation that I spent years trying to avoid?

Close

I do have a lot of self doubt.

Just in the past couple years,

that has increased ten fold.

03 Crossroads

‘I Don’t Even Know Where To Start’

Sam had always planned for a career in journalism, but he no longer believes that it's within his reach. In a conversation with a producer at Radiolab, a dream job for Sam, he has to confront the question: Is he standing in his own way?

I work a second job as a stringer for a local paper. They were looking for writers so I stopped by and I dropped off my resume. They use me just for random stuff around town - mostly sewer commission meetings. It's not a lot of money and it's fantastically boring but I want at least to keep practicing or I'll lose it and it makes me look a little more professional.

I majored in journalism in college, I did radio production, but I honestly don't think that is ever going to happen. It's too far gone. I applied to Radiolab, I absolutely love Radiolab, and they just had a bunch of entry-level internship positions and I was like, "I'll do that." I know enough people in New York City that I could probably just scam off couches for like a month. And I wrote them like a five-hundred word essay and I've heard nothing back and I'm so upset about that.

Sam pays his bills as a waiter, but his dream was always to work as a journalist.

I'm on the phone with Sean Cole, a producer for Radiolab. He basically has my dream job and I was just hoping to hear from him as to how he got to where he is.

Sean: So, what are you doing now?

Sam: The way I pay the bills is I work as a waiter in a restaurant. I also work as a stringer for a local paper.

Sean: So you’re doing some modicum of journalism now.

Sam: Yeah. But how did you get to where you're at?

Sean: I got out of college, I didn’t know what I wanted to do - I think I was in a similar place to where you are now, I just felt like I needed to do something drastic. There was an internship that opened up at WBUR, where I think you’re sitting.

Sam: That's exactly where I'm sitting right now.

Sean: So, I interned in the newsroom and pretty much fell in love with it. I started treating it like grad school that I was getting paid for - I just sort of learned how to do every part of what’s involved with making radio stories.

Sam: My dream job when I graduated was to move to Spain and find an English language paper, do that for a gig, and then be able to be a stringer for the AP or Knight Ridder — somebody that would take my copy or whatever.

Sean: What happened to that idea?

Sam: Well, I graduated and I was living in New York and I couldn’t find a job. The local paper where I live is the Journal News in Rockland and they wouldn’t even talk to me. And I was like, “Well, that’s not good.”

34%

do not believe the American Dream is still alive

Sean: How old are you again?

Sam: 27.

Sean: I would just treat it like a story. Turn it into something that maybe you would write about in a newspaper — how does this work, how can I get there?

Sam: That’s the whole bit is I don’t even know where to start.

Sean: I feel like the majority of folks who do what I do started as interns.

Sam: I did apply to an internship at Radiolab.

Sean: You did? When was that?

Sam: Two months ago.

Sean: Well, apply again. But it doesn't have to be Radiolab. The first thing is just to learn the first thing. Figure out how radio is made and I think the best way to do that is to find a place where they would be willing to show you.

This is going to sound impossibly cliche but I think the bottom line is: don't let go of your dreams no matter how silly they may seem and don't think they're silly.

Sam: That's one of the problem that I've had since I've graduated. Do you know who Eddie Izzard is? The comedian?

Sean: Yeah, of course.

Sam: He has a whole bit about growing up and having dreams and he’s like, “I want to be an astronaut.” And they’re like, “Well, you’re British, so tone it down a bit.” And he’s like, “Well, I want to climb a ladder really high, then.” And they’re like, “Well, you’re British, tone it down a bit.” And he’s like, “I want to be a sewer worker.” And they’re like, “Well, okay.”

That's definitely the best metaphor I have for my post-grad experience, which is, like, “I want to go to Spain and be a reporter.” And it’s like, "Yeah, well, the economy sucks so you’re going to have to do what you can." And, I mean, I’ve worked every bizarro job in the world just to keep afloat.

I’m embarrassed to talk about my life in front of people.

Sean: But in this metaphor, who is the “they” telling you to turn it down a bit? It sounds like you are the “they” telling you to turn it down.

Sam: It probably is the me telling me to turn it down a bit. But, I mean, I don’t know — that’s true. That is very true. Yeah.

Sean: So screw you, man. Tell your inner “they” to go away.

Sam: Yeah, the inner doubt. Yeah. That’s true.

That was one of the more interesting things I've ever done - being able to pick somebody's brain who is doing something that I would like to do, reminding me that I'm my own worst enemy. I liked when he said, "Don't be afraid to dream something impossible, but, also, on the other hand, don't think that dream actually is impossible."

On a slow day at the restaurant, Sam might walk away with twenty dollars.

This is my last audio diary, so it’s much more of a reflection. I think the thing that I’ve taken away from this is that I know that I’m not alone. It’s not like what I’m doing is abnormal, which I think gives me a sense of solace - knowing that this is something that’s much larger than me.

50%

say they are scared for the future

I just spent last weekend hanging out with a bunch of really old friends from high school. Everybody else is doing pretty well. Me and one other buddy are the only two that are living at home, working multiple jobs. While I was with that group I was very self conscious about my position, and the amount of money I make, and what some would call superficial stuff. But, you know, you want your friends to be proud of you and I’m embarrassed to talk about my life in front of people. I usually don’t. I don’t even talk to my close friends about what’s going on in my life.

Yeah, it's good to know that I'm not some sort of freakish loser who has missed the boat. I do kind of feel that I have missed the boat and my future is very much ambiguous, but it makes me feel a little bit better to know that I’m not taking part in something that is alien, that there are other people that are going through something similar. You know, I’m just going to have to figure it out.

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I'm Not Alone

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Dream Job

Sam: Hello?

Sean: Hello.

Sam: Hey.

Sean: Sam?

Sam: Sean?

Sean: How are you?

Sam: I’m good, how are you?

Sean: I’m doing well.

Sam: That’s good.

Sean: I’m sitting here in front of a board with a bunch of faders and buttons. Life can’t be that bad.

Sam: I am too, it’s weird.

Sean: So, what are you doing now?

Sam: The way I pay the bills is I work as a waiter in a restaurant. I also work as a stringer for a local paper.

Sean: Which one?

Sam: A tiny, tiny paper in a tiny, tiny town in Massachusetts called The Lunenberg Ledger.

Sean: Lunenberg, I’m familiar with Lunenberg.

Sam: Are you really?

Sean: In another life I was in a sort of shtick theater for kids and corporate parties and we had a juggler named John from Lunenberg. I don’t remember his last name. Juggling John.

Sam: Get out of here. People in Massachusetts don’t know where it is.

Sean: Yeah, I know. They don’t know where my town is either, it’s Millis. I don’t know if you’re familiar with that.

Sam: No.

Sean: See, we’re mutually ignorant about each other’s small towns. So you’re doing some modicum of journalism now.

Sam: Yeah, very, very low level. I do selectmen’s meetings and I did a feature story last week. I mean, that’s one of the reasons why I wanted to do journalism was at least to have an interesting conversation with interesting people. But how did you get to where you’re at?

Sean: So it was an accident, and I think that it’s often an accident with folks in public radio. I didn’t know what I wanted to do and, you know, I liked to read and I liked to write. I went to Indonesia for a year and wrote art and movie reviews for the Jakarta Post. So that was my sort of foray. But, like, I didn’t know anything about art.

Sam: How did you find that?

Sean: You know, I got out of college, I didn’t know what I wanted to do, and I think I was like in a similar place where you are now, like, I just felt like I needed to do something drastic. So, at least when I got back to the states and was still looking for jobs I had that to say. But I really had nothing else to say. And then there was an internship that opened up at WBUR, where I think you’re sitting right now.

Sam: That’s exactly where I'm sitting right now.

Sean: So I interned in the newsroom and pretty much fell in love with it immediately. And that’s when tape was actual tape, like, it was reel-to-reel tape, and you’d pull the tape out and cut it with a razor blade — mark it with a grease pencil, cut it with a razor blade, and actually have this physical object that you then hand off to the producer in the studio and they, you know, rack it up and play it.

And then, you know, it was just little by little, any hole that they needed to fill, I would sort of dive into it. And I started treating it like grad school that I was getting paid for. So that I was like, “Well, what’s this over here? Maybe I could learn how to be on the air, they seem to need overnight announcers.” Learned to do that; learned how to be an engineer, so I was working all the equipment; I filled in as a call screener on one of the call-in shows; and just like every little thing.

And, so, through sheer, sort of, control freakishness and also not knowing any better that, like, I didn’t necessarily have to do this, I just sort of learned how to do every part of what’s involved with making radio stories. And then along the way I was also pitching stories to This American Life and All Things Considered — and then that took a long time. I think I pitched like ten stories to This American Life or something over the course of like a year or a year and a half, and then finally had one on. That opened a lot of doors.

Sam: My dream job when I graduated was to move to Spain and basically do what you did in Indonesia. You know, find an English language paper, do that for a gig and then be able to be a stringer for the AP or Knight Ridder — someone who would take my copy or whatever.

Sean: What happened to that idea?

Sam: Well, I graduated and, you know, I was living in New York and I couldn’t find a job. I mean, I was trying to work for the local paper where I live is the Journal News in Rockland and they wouldn’t even talk to me. And I was like, “Well, that’s not good.” Because to me, at the time, I’m like, “Well, that’s so low level.”

Sean: But what happened to the idea of, like, just going to Spain and finding a paper?

Sam: Money.

Sean: How old are you again?

Sam: 27.

Sean: By all means, like, if you have nothing, you know, tying you down in the states and money is the only obstacle and I know it’s easy to say," It’s the only one," and it’s difficult, but, like, I would just treat it like a story. You know, turn it into something that maybe you would write about in a newspaper — like, how does this work, how can I get there?

Sam: That’s the whole bit, like, I don’t even know where to start.

Sean: I think it’s just sort of a matter of deciding, “Okay, I’m going to try this.” I feel like the majority of folks who do what I do started as interns.

Sam: I did apply to an internship at Radiolab.

Sean: You did? When was that?

Sam: Yeah, two months ago.

Sean: Well, apply again. But it doesn’t have to be Radiolab, like, it’s funny, I mean I’m doing this now, but I was a news intern and then I worked in news for six years, and then was doing, sort of, longer-form more evergreen documentaries after that, which is more akin now to what I do.

But I think the first thing is just to learn the first thing. I mean, figure out how radio is made. And I think the best way to do that is to find a place where they would be willing to show you.

Sam: Mhmm.

Sean: This is going to sound impossibly cliche but I think the bottom line is: Don’t let go of your dreams no matter how silly they may seem, and don’t think they’re silly.

Sam: That’s one of the problems that I had, that basically since I graduated it’s been like — do you know who Eddie Izzard is?

Sean: Yeah, of course.

Sam: The comedian. He has a whole bit about growing up and having dreams and he’s like, you know, “I want to be an astronaut.” And they’re like, “Well, you’re British, so tone it down a bit.” And he’s like, “Well, I want to climb a ladder really high, then.” And they’re like, “Well, you’re British, tone it down a bit.” And he’s like, “I want to be a sewer worker,” and they’re like, “Well, okay.”

You know, and, like, that’s definitely the best metaphor I have for my post-grad experience, which is, like, “I want to go to Spain and be a reporter.” And it’s like, "Yeah, well, the economy sucks so you’re going to have to do what you can. And I mean, I’ve worked every bizarro job in the world just to keep afloat.

Sean: But in this metaphor, who is the “they” telling you to turn it down a bit? It sounds like you are the “they” telling you to turn it down.

Sam: It probably is the me telling me to turn it down a bit, but I mean, I don’t know — that’s true. That is very true.

Sean: So screw you, man. No, I mean, tell your inner “they” to go away.

Sam: Yeah, the inner doubt to go. Yeah. That’s true. Thank you so much for taking the time out of the day to talk to me, and know that I’m envious of your job.

Sean: Well, thank you.

Sam: And if you could give Jad Abumrad and Robert Krulwich a high five for me, I‘d really appreciate that.

Sean: I will give them both a high five for you. This will sound weird, I’m also envious of you, your wide expansive possibility, and the future being a giant question mark is actually …

Sam: It’s kind of freeing?

Sean: It’s very exciting, looked at one way.

Audio

I'm Not Alone

This is my last audio diary, so it’s much more of a reflection. I apologize, I have a cold.

When I first started out, I was kind of apprehensive and weirded out just to kind of expose myself in the way that, you know, I needed to — to kind of take a third-person view of my life. I don’t think of myself as the most open individual, so exposing myself is something that’s kind of out of character for me.

But I thought it was important and I still think it is. I think the thing that I’ve taken away from this is that I know that I’m not alone. You know, it’s not like what I’m doing is abnormal, which I think gives me a sense of solace, knowing that this is, you know, something that’s much larger than me.

I just spent last weekend hanging out with a bunch of really old friends from high school, we all swam together. And, you know, everybody else is doing pretty well. And they all worked really, really hard for it, and they’re also all really smart and mathematics inclined, which I definitely think helps. But yeah, me and my buddy Cerise, I think, are the only two that were there that are kind of living at home, you know, working multiple jobs. And while I was with that group, I was kind of very self conscious about my position and the amount of money I make and what some would call superficial stuff.

But, you know, you want your friends to be proud of you and I’m embarrassed to talk about my life in front of people. I usually don’t. I don’t even talk to my close friends about what’s going on in my life.

Yeah, it’s good to know that I’m not some sort of freakish loser who has missed the boat.

I do kind of feel that I have missed the boat and, you know, my future is very much ambiguous, but it makes me feel a little bit better to know that I’m not taking part in something that is alien, that there are other people that are going through something similar.

Yeah, I think that’s it. I’m happy I’m not alone and, you know, I’m just going to have to figure it out.

Close

I don’t want to be here any more.

I’m making myself miserable.

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